Ctrl c, ctrl v

I interrupt my regular travel and wellness programming with a bit of maudlin content.

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The first sign of burnout might be googling “burnout survey tool”. The second might be writing this post.

I found this scientifically validated questionnaire by Schaufeli, Desart & De Witte. Their website comes with an apt bat logo. (I always like starting my side quests with some data.)

I scored high burnout in the “exhaustion” domain, but mostly average burnout when it comes to cognitive impairment, mental distance, emotional impairment, and secondary symptoms (in descending order). I scored an average of 2 for the overall level of burnout.

I tried another quiz by Beyond Blue Australia, which was a little easier to navigate. Somehow I still scored low for burnout.

But maybe the test results don’t matter. The questions do.

Reading through the prompts made me think more seriously about how I feel going to work each day. I roll up to work with little enthusiasm. Sometimes I already feel tired before even opening up the first chart. There’s a microsecond of irritation when I see a new patient’s been decked to me (a voice in the back of my head is screaming that this is literally my job). I still smile and greet each patient with energy, but there’s a muffled layer to it, like I’m putting on a cheap plastic mask instead of genuine regard. When I go through my scripts of how-are-yous and that-would-be-all-do-you-have-any-questions, my mind wanders. My hands keep typing.

When I end the day, I don’t feel particularly happy or sad or excited. Weekdays are all the same, night shift or day shift or off. After clinic hours mean getting some groceries, or going to the gym. I go home, rinse off, sleep. Repeat.

Sacred weekends punctuate the cycle. Just this October, I’ve watched a play, visited a museum, done an oil painting, and even painted a cake. I squeeze in video editing and read some books. But the spark of creation drowns when Monday comes, until it all blends back into the cycle of work-sleep-life.

Am I suppose to find fulfillment in my work? In a field as noble as medicine, the answer should be yes, right?

I still feel happy when I see patients proactive about their care, or curious about their condition. When patients compliment me for explaining well, or thank me when they get discharged, I also feel thankful. But the sparks of joy and pride are also turning a little more gray.

Maybe I should transfer to a clinic that comes with a window? Being cooped up for hours and hours at a time can’t be healthy.

Do I need to shift gears towards professional development and career growth? Despite the security, purely clinical work might really be killing all the passion in me. But I just can’t imagine what else to do next.

Or maybe I just need better pay so I can work less hours? At the end of the day, this is all just work. I hang on for basic needs. My Ikigai remains somewhere else, elusive. But in the meantime, I have to stick to something.

Here’s to hoping these gray waves buoy me up to the sun.

Until next time! ♥

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