It’s 8:40PM on a Monday night, and the rain shows no signs of letting up. I only stopped by this cafe to satisfy my cravings for a second cup of coffee and to enjoy a high-protein meal after another leg day. Now I fear I’ll be stuck here until the skies miraculously clear or I find the courage to hail a cab, whichever comes earlier.
I could watch through some mindless short form videos, or read through more fanfiction. I can pick up my Kindle (Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell has finally become a page-turner, around 300+ pages in). I could review my Spanish vocabulary deck, or study more grammar, or finally go through my listening practice queue on YouTube or Netflix. Instead, I’ve opted to write. Just a bit.
There are days I imagine myself the hard and thirsty ground —hungry for the rain, but also embarrassingly ill-equipped for the unrelenting pressure it brings. I’m overflowing with want and possibility. At the same breath, I feel like fallow ground. I know what I have to do, what ditches to dig, what direction to turn the tides. But it’s harder than I thought to turn my own soil. It’s much easier to take shelter in careless, undemanding routine, to say hello to the rain and then to say goodbye again, to grow no roots and to bloom no flowers. Is this restorative, or ruinous? I’m afraid my idleness is a machine that perpetuates itself and nothing else.
But I have such dreams, sometimes.
To crave the result but not the process is to guarantee disappointment.
—James Clear, Atomic Habits (2018)
…
Maybe it’s time to rewatch Haikyu!! to parallel-model some drive. Or alternatively, it might be time to let go of the guilt of doing what might amount to nothing. Play Karera by Bini.
I was also recently in PGH (before the gym and before this thunderstorm), and had a conversation or two which made me think very briefly about my career and where to go from here. My inbox is full. The spam musubi from Ate Mercy remains delicious, though, and still a good reason to drop by the hospital every now and then.
Cheers to my never-ending, ever-growing list of things to create, write, make, do, enjoy, visit, et cetera et cetera.
Until next time! ♡
jari m 
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